10 Most Annoying Things That Can Happen On Submarine Patrol

A former Commodore in charge of the Clyde Submarine Base at Faslane, Scotland, has listed his top 10 most annoying things that can happen on a 10-week submarine patrol. 

Cdre Eric Thompson joined the Royal Navy from school as an engineer and went on to serve in HM Ships Vigilant, Hermes and Barrosa and HM Submarines Andrew, Otter, Osiris, Conqueror and Revenge. 

He would often have to go on a 10-week nuclear deterrence patrol on a sub with no contact from the outside world and being in such proximity to people for over two months could cause problems...

1. 'Emergency Stations' being piped when sitting on the toilet

One is supposed to be at one's Emergency Station within seconds but some jobs can't be finished so quickly!

And if the emergency were to be a fire, there is no emergency breathing system in the 'heads' as they are meant to be out of action at Emergency Stations.

2. Overboard sewage discharge hull valve blocked

With a crew of 120 men and a design calculation that assumes one daily bowel movement per capita, if each man were to provide a British Standard three-pounder plus a bucket of flushing water, the sewage tank would be filled in two days but could not be emptied if the overboard sewage discharge valve is blocked... the problem then rapidly becomes corporate constipation.

3. Running out of toilet paper with three weeks to go

It was Napoleon who said:

"An army marches on its stomach."

A submarine may not march on its lavatory pans but the principle still holds.

With three weeks of our 10-week patrol remaining, we ran low on toilet rolls.

Within 24 hours, there were none. This was panic buying submarine style. We had a bog roll famine on our hands.

The Executive Officer launched an immediate search of the boat, which revealed, inter alia, a dozen hidden behind the Captain's bunk.

Other private hordes were found stashed away all over the boat.

One secret cache almost caused a fire as it was hidden behind a heater.

When it comes to toilet rolls, it's a case of every man for himself.

However, there was no truth in the rumour that the engineers had a secret supply hidden in the Reactor Compartment - clearly a missed market opportunity; toilet paper that glows in the dark could have been a big hit.

For the remainder of the patrol, toilet paper was rationed.

4.   Food rationing with three weeks to go

With three weeks to go, our illustrious Supply Officer discovered that he was running out of food and decided to reduce lunch to soup and a main course.

That really annoyed me, as pudding was my favourite course.

"They had better food in the trenches."

When I happened to be last in for lunch, what was placed in front of me was a triangle of fried bread swimming in a puree of gravy with only limited evidence of mince.

As the Supply Officer was sitting in the Wardroom, I commented in a loud voice: "They had better food in the trenches."

He came over and faced up to me. I stood up and faced up to him. Just before we came to blows, the Executive Officer was across and standing between us.

5.   Executive Officer's God complex

Executive Officers are 'Command Qualified' with the expectation of commanding their own submarine - if recommended.

Most handle the pressure well but some turn into little tin gods, which can be really annoying for the engineers who only come under their jurisdiction on disciplinary matters.  

6.   Being continually asked: 'How long is this going to take?' when trying to fix a fault

How the hell can one know how long it will take to solve a problem? And being asked every five minutes does not speed things up.

7.   Smelly feet

The Direct-Moulded-Sole Admiralty Pattern non-slip boot is a marvellous invention.

It saves you from slipping on a wet deck; it protects you from electrocution and it retains the odour of rotting feet.

The problem is when someone with rotting feet takes off his boots.

The smell can be enough to set off fire alarms, trip radioactive particle detectors, scram the reactor and cause ICBMs to leave their missile tubes without permission - and half the crew will have collapsed through gas poisoning.

People with smelly feet should have their boots surgically attached.

8.   A familygram with the message that the car has broken down

One can understand the desperation of a sailor's wife, especially one with kids to look after when the family car breaks down, but what can her submariner husband do about it in mid-patrol? Sweet FA.

Submarines do not transmit when on patrol, so he can't even send her advice.

Such a message only causes unnecessary stress so I made a declaration that I did not want to receive any bad news about the car.

9.   Your relief being late on watch

This is unforgivable. Watch-keepers always arrange a shake for their reliefs with fifteen minutes to spare.

It's a disciplined service. Most reliefs arrive with a few minutes to spare but there are some who always arrive late.

They are stealing your time. Outright larceny. Unacceptable. Most annoying.

10.  Being diverted to another boat's mission when just about due to return home

When some other boat cannot get itself ready for sea and you have to do its job having just finished your own is ultra bad for morale.

It is particularly heinous when you thought you would be home for Christmas.

We're all buddies in boats but not with the blokes in another boat.

Cdre Thompson's book, On Her Majesty's Nuclear Service, about the secretive life of submarines and the men who served on them will be launched on March 13.

It is already available for purchase on Amazon and at Casemate Publisher's website: https://www.casematepublishing.co.uk/on-her-majesty-039-s-nuclear-service.html

Cdre Eric Thompson's career in the Royal Navy spanned nearly 40 years, during which he served on HMS Vigilant, Hermes and Barrosa and HMS Andrew, Otter, Osiris, Conqueror and Revenge. He was in charge of Clyde Submarine Base at Faslane, Scotland and was also awarded an MBE for leadership during an emergency on patrol.