Divorce in the forces: Practical advice from an RAF veteran turned breakup coach
Breaking up with a partner can be a lonely, confusing process and adding the financial and emotional complications of a divorce on top can be exasperating.
A Royal Air Force veteran has made it her mission to support others going through the process.
Using skills she learned during her own divorce and training, Christine Paterson-Deacon is now an accredited Breakup and Divorce Coach.
She knows just how important it is to have someone by your side when it feels like your whole world is imploding.
Speaking to BFBS Forces Radio, she said: "Anyone who's been through a breakup or divorce is going to recognise that it takes your legs.
"When the red button is hit, you're looking at that person and you just don't recognise them anymore."
How did she get here?
Mrs Paterson-Deacon served for 16 years as a Provost Officer in the RAF and now volunteers as a Royal Air Forces Association welfare officer in addition to the support she offers those going through a break up or divorce.
When she made the transition to civvy street and moved to Devon to start a project with her then husband, something changed in their relationship which led to their eventual divorce and, sadly, her ex-husband died a few years later.
The veteran found her divorce left her with feelings that were very difficult to process and, while her family and friends were very supportive, Mrs Paterson-Deacon says it was an experience that she dealt with on her own.
She said: "It was a journey; I didn't heal overnight.
"It took a long time, a lot of self-reflection, a lot of hurt and pain that had to come out and anger as well."
And so, deciding she wanted something positive to come out of her traumatic divorce, she trained to be the person she needed at her lowest.
She said: "What I really wanted to do was something meaningful and that can help other people, because at the end of the day, I know this is an overused phrase, but knowledge is power."
The veteran wanted to use the skills she learned in the military and combine her lived experince with training to focus on the mental health and wellbeing of others.
Why divorce in the military can be tricky
Due to the unique pressures of Armed Forces life, breakups and divorce can, for some in the military community, be particularly difficult.
There are pressures within the military that don't exist on civvy street and these can have a detrimental effect on relationships.
However, there also other factors to consider.
Mrs Paterson-Deacon said: "You've got people who have perhaps isolated from friends or family because they're moving with their spouse or partner.
"You've got financial concerns because possibly the spouse has had to give up their career in order to follow their spouse."
Another big issue is what the veteran calls the goldfish bowl.
If you live on a married patch, you could be living next door to somebody you work with, so it might feel as though your private life is under a microscope.
What is a breakup and divorce coach?
Quite simply, a break-up and divorce coach is not a therapist, counsellor or legal advisor.
Instead, the role is very similar to that of a life coach – the veteran offers guidance, support and clarity during the end of a relationship.
She said: "That very traumatic period... is as traumatic as the loss of a loved one."
Mrs Paterson-Deacon knows from own experience and hearing her clients' stories, that the emotional side of a breakup is often harder than the practical side of ending a relationship (such as shared custody of children, intertwined financials and the often year-long administrative burden) because it hits you at times that you just don't expect it to.
The veteran encourages anyone going through a breakup or divorce to find someone trustworthy and neutral who you can talk to for support and advice.
She is adamant that when it comes to the next steps, don't be afraid to ask for help because it is not a sign of weakness.
Taking positive, considered steps towards your new future is a sign of strength and determination.
If you're looking for some support during a break up or divorce, visit christinepatersondeacon.com
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